How Can I Know if My Friend's Flirting about Our Future Is for Real?

Editor’s Note: Crosswalk's Singles Advice is an advice column for singles featuring an anonymous question from a reader with a thoughtful, biblical reply from one of our single editors.

I have a friend who makes a lot of jokes about me being his future wife. At first, I felt nothing, but as time moved on I felt the strongest feelings for him. He has since asked me to become his prayer partner. As much as we meet and pray, my feelings for him have become so strong. Any advice?

My dad always told me there is a half-truth in every joke. If that’s true, then maybe your friend is trying to feel it out and see if maybe you have feelings for him too. If you feel like God is calling you to this relationship, I think it is perfectly okay to ask your friend why he is making jokes about you two getting married one day.

Conversations with friends – especially close friends – where you reveal that you have feelings for them are never easy. In fact, I would say two words to describe those types of conversations: awkward and terrifying.

For this reason, I always have and always will recommend spending time in prayer and reflection over the relationship and your potential conversation about the relationship.

Pray for God to guide you in the right direction.

If He prompts you to talk to your friend, ask God to give you the words to communicate to your friend the confusion you are feeling.

James 1:5 instructs us come to God when we are seeking wisdom: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Let me share an anecdote with you from an experience in my life.

I once had this guy friend who would kiddingly call me “babe.” We were just friends, but after a while, I found myself catching feelings for him and he felt likewise for me.

We dated for a month before we realized that we had made a mistake in dating and that we were better off as friends.

When I think about this story, I think about why I started to develop feelings for him in the first place. We constantly joked with each other about being a couple. We would say things like “Yeah, we would be such a fun couple… but we would never date, of course.”

Then I think we got curious to know what dating each other would actually be like. We started developing feelings for each other out of curiosity and because being together was always a fun time. Flirting – and that’s what the joking was – made us feel special to each other and it caused us to develop feelings for each other despite the things we knew would cause a romantic relationship between us to never really work out.

In all honesty, I really enjoyed dating him, it was full of laughter and adventure, but our big issues were where God was in our lives and why we were attracted to each other. God for me was and still is the center of my life, for him, he wasn’t even sure he believed that God existed.

Curiosity or godly love?

Our attraction for each other was also not brought on by true godly love, but out of pure curiosity prompted by our constant joking. In retrospect, I realize that dating someone based on curiosity, was basically like dating someone out of lust. Even if I had no feelings whatsoever for him, I have to ask myself, would I still have dated him because of how interesting and charming he was?

In your situation, it sounds like God is an important part of both of your lives, so you are already a step ahead of where I was. If you are truly attracted to your friend as a person and for the man he is centered in Christ, as opposed to how the flirting makes you feel, then it sounds to me like you might have something special on your hands.

Sometimes, it’s hard to weed out what feelings are true and good and what feelings are self-serving, so I encourage you to pray on it. Ask God for clarity on the situation and if God inspires you, I encourage you to first approach the situation by asking your friend why he jokes about both being married. Then tell him how you feel.

Ask for truth, for your sake and his.

Maybe I’m being overly cautious in asking him first, but it seems like you truly value your friendship and prayer partner relationship. So for the sake of trying to save it; if he doesn’t reciprocate, I would start with the question.

If your friend does not end up reciprocating, I would ask him to stop making jokes about the two of you being married. That habit would then become both unhealthy and harmful to you as you try to move on from the feelings you have for him.

Proverbs 4:23 encourages us to protect our hearts. It says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Wishing you God-led courage!

Kayla Koslosky loves her faith journey as a Christian single and is the News Editor for Kayla has worked as a mentor for college leaders offering them advice and assistance throughout their leadership journeys, led a women's Bible study, and wrote an advice column for her college’s Yellow Jacket Newspaper.

Disclaimer: any single editor replying to reader questions through this advice column is a Christian seeking God's direction through his Word. We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. As we explore issues with you, we will seek God's guidance through prayer and the Bible.

Have a question? If you have a question about anything related to living the single life, please email [email protected] (selected questions will be addressed anonymously). While we cannot answer every question, we hope you'll find encouragement in this column.

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